


Trauma Need Not Apply

by rowrote



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Eating Disorders, I'll let you know when these happen at the beginning of each chapter, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Roller Derby, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This is absolutely a projection fic FYI, am I writing this for myself? Yes, but you're allowed to like it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:21:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21996682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowrote/pseuds/rowrote
Summary: Pidge's life low key sucks but you'd be surprised what a pair of roller skates can do.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

She was tired. No, tired didn't begin to describe how she feelt. Her eyes burned, her head was constantly spinning, and there was a stabbing pain in her chest that she's not sure if it's from the heartache or the slouched position she's been sitting in. 

She took that as her cue to stretch and get more coffee as the algorithm ran through more names. After all, it had been been days since she updated it and months since her father and brother went missing. Nothing was going to happen in the five minutes it took to pour another cup and sit back down. Nothing ever happened.

"Katie... Honey what are you doing still awake?" her mother asked from the doorway, obviously having been woken from the heavy, tired footsteps of her daughter. 

"Couldn't sleep..." she grumbled and took a sip from her cup. 

"Couldn't sleep or you're refusing to?" 

She sighed and took another drink of her coffee. The pair knew by now sleep had been disappearing in both of their lives the longer Sam and Matt were missing. Colleen couldn't stop Katie from searching, and Katie couldn't stop Colleen from nagging. It's a miserable understanding they've grown into. 

"Pour me a cup and we'll sit together," Colleen said. 

It's a change from their normal routine. She's getting desperate. They both are. They just want their family whole again, but police say it's hopeless. Detectives say they're dead. Yesterday the mourge called asking for them to come identify a body. They needed a night where they could just hope in the morning their family would return to them and life would become normal. 

Colleen's sleep was plauged with nightmares of losing her daughter already, and tomorrow when she went to identify her son's body she knew they would be riddled with more horrors. Vivid images of their deaths weren't uncommon in her mind, but seeing it was different. She knew that. A night spent watching a computer run through articles of John Doe's for matching descriptions of Matt and Sam was much better than the nightmares she knew she would have. 

Katie pulled up a chair next to her desk and sat in her own. Colleen sat down and adjusted herself into a more comfortable position. Her eyes scanned the screens in front of her, most of the text ran too fast for her to make sense of. 

"How does this work?" she asked softly. 

"Basically all news can be found online nowadays so it scans for articles with the keywords 'John Doe' and then it takes those and looks for key words that are Dad and Matt's description. Like, Matt would be, age 17, five foot eight inches, stupid fluffy brown hair," Katie explained. "Dad would be like age one-hundred and three, crazy old man hair... A smile that feels like sugar cookies on Christmas morning..."

Colleen looked at her daughter who's eyes were glued to the flickering words on the screen. Her eyes brimed with tears. Colleen reached out and brushed them away as they dripped down Katie's cheeks. 

"You're doing good kiddo... They'd be proud."

The pair took a deep, shaky breath together. 

"Mom, I'm scared."

"It'll be alright... We'll take it one day at a time. We'll be okay."

Katie fell into her mother's arms. Finally letting herself cry and accept the embrace she had been needing for months. 

•••••

"It wasn't him."

Relief and confusion flooded Katie's mind. It wasn't Matt. Her brother was still alive. That meant her father was probably alive too. Tears began to well up in her eyes. 

"So he's... He's still alive?"

Colleen nodded. 

Katie ran into her mother, crushing her in a hug. There was still hope, even though it was the smallest sliver it was there. She sobbed on her mother's chest out of the unending joy rushing through her. In the other room her computer sounded with a match.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some nightmares, some therapy, but at least Sam and Matt are back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains descriptions of PTSD symptoms, and briefly mentions an eating disorder.

The first time Pidge had a panic attack was when her brother and father came up missing and from there it was a series of panic attacks. 

"PTSD," many therapists called it. "An inability to cope with traumatic events," one even added in a tone that made her blood boil. She had refused to come back the moment he said that and Colleen didn't argue. He wasn't the first one they had dropped and by the looks of things he certainly wouldn't be the last. All of the trauma she had been through had built up and it was hard for therapists to navigate all of it in the way she could comprehend as well. 

Sam and Matt had come back around the middle of Pidge's sophomore year. The first hit ended up being a man named Carl Peterson who had been missing for three days after going on a hike. Eventually her search did pay off, however. There were tears and hugs and jokes about how much she had changed. She cut her hair, got glasses, adopted a new nickname, and looked older. A lot older. Her friend group had fallen apart after Keith and Lance got into a fight, she watched Lance get shot, she watched Hunk's anxiety raise, and had even developed an eating disorder. It quite frankly was the hardest couple of years of her life and it drained her so heavily, but having them back made things a little bit easier. 

The nightmares, however, didn't stop. Both Pidge and Colleen had grown used to the sound of sobbing somewhere in the house late at night. They didn't think much of anymore and usually just went to get the tissues and a cup of coffee. After all, sleep only meant more nightmares. The first time Sam woke up to his wife sobbing and clinging to him he was unsure of what to do. Pidge and Matt appeared in the doorway soon after. The same terror showed on Matt's face, but Pidge seemed unphased by her mother. 

"I'm gonna grab the tissues... I'm thinking hot cocoa tonight though," Pidge grumbled and turned to head downstairs to the kitchen. "I think four cups though. Wanna help Matt?" 

He looked between his parents on their bed and his sister now halfway down the stairs in confusion but followed her anyway. 

"You don't seem phased by Mom..." he said, pulling the carton of milk out of the fridge. 

"Yeah... Umm... I guess we got used to this stuff while you guys were gone." She placed four mugs on the counter and started rummaging for hot cocoa powder. 

"What do you mean?"

"Nightmares, panic attacks, disassocation, depression... Stuff like that..."

Matt was quiet for a moment, staring blankly at the mugs in front of him. The cap of the milk in his right hand while the milk itself held firmly in his left. Obviously it hadn't dawned on him how badly their disappearance had effected his mother and his sister. In an odd sort of way he felt guilty for what he had done... Though it was in no way his fault. 

"Matt..." Pidge finally spoke, jerking him from his catatonic state. "Can you pour the milk in the cups?"

He nodded and slowly poured into the cups. 

The two returned with hot cocoa and tissues to their parents room where Colleen was simply crying now. Pidge walked in and lightly sat on the edge of their bed. She held out a cup and her mother took it, still crying.

"It's hot cocoa... Figured we'd try going back to sleep this time..." she explained. 

Colleen nodded and took a sip. Her breathing slowed as the four of them drank in silence. Nothing but the warm bathroom light down the hall illuminated the room, but in that moment they were finally able to be a family again. Pidge and Matt fell asleep at the foot of the bed after finishing their drinks, Sam and Colleen soon followed. The rest of the night passed nightmare free. 

The problem was still there three nights later. This time it was Pidge's screaming that awoke the family. Sam bolted to his daughter's room where she thrashed under the blanket. Colleen quickly came in behind him, untangled her daughter, and held her closely go her chest. Sam could tell this was another thing that had happened enough times for the pair to have grown used to it in his absence. He sighed and stood up, hot cocoa had fixed this last time. Maybe it could help again. 

Sam returned to the room with hot cocoa and Matt. Just as Pidge had done, he gently sat on the bed and held mug out to her. Pidge shook her head and mumbled something to her mother. Colleen nodded. 

"She's going to need coffee tonight," she explained. "Let's go make some then kiddo."

Sam watched them walk out of the room together, leaving him and Matt on the bed with four cups of hot cocoa, slowly cooling in their hands. He had tried to help, but she didn't need him. He didn't know how to make his own daughter feel better from nightmares he couldn't help but think he caused. Of course the time away hadn't been easy on him and Matt either, but it hurt knowing he couldn't really help her. 

He caused this and he couldn't do anything about it. 

"Dad?"

He hadn't even noticed he was crying. If the walls could talk, most of their stories would consist of tears. This was just another in the long line. 

"I think I'll head to bed," he croaked out. 

He didn't sleep that night. Instead laid in bed listening to his wife and daughter start their day all too early. It was Saturday morning, he wanted them to wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking and coffee to be a morning treat, not a life preserver. Life had changed while he was gone, quite obviously for the worse. He was determined to change that. 

"Colleen," Sam started gently. 

Pidge and Matt were playing a video game in the living room. She was pulling out supplies to make grilled cheese for lunch. 

"Yes dear?"

"You know I love you and want to support you as much as possible right?" he asked. 

"Of course."

"Have you and Katie ever thought about... Going to therapy?"

Colleen stopped and looked at him. She blinked. He couldn't be seriously approaching the topic so delicately. He knew she believed therapy was incredibly beneficial to everyone. 

"Sam, I go to therapy weekly," she explained. "Pidge doesn't right now, but we've been looking for a new therapist for her."

"Oh, good," he breathed a sigh of relief. "Why isn't she in therapy right now?"

"We've just had a lot of bad luck with therapists, she's been through quite a few who didn't really understand what she's been through and some of them just weren't the right fit," she explained. 

Sam took that in for a moment and rolled an idea around in his mind. 

"I may know someone who can help."

~~~~~

"Coran? Absolutely not!" Pidge yelled the moment the door opened. 

"Pidge, sweetie, just try it," Sam begged. 

"Come on Number Five!"

Pidge glared at Coran. Unable to believe her father could really suggest this. Just the other day she said she would try anything to get a good therapist, but this one certainly wasn't even a passing thought. 

"Nope. Absolutely not," she shook her head. 

"Why not?" Sam asked. 

"I'm not getting therapy from my third grade teacher, my friend's uncle, and the guy who owns my favorite coffee shop all at once," she snapped. 

"I have the qualifications to do all of those things!" Coran chimed. 

"You're not exactly helping right now," Sam said, "Look, Katie-"

"Pidge"

"Pidge," Sam sighed and took his daughter by the shoulders. "I just want you to try this. One, maybe two sessions, that's all I ask. I think it could be good for you."

It took ten more minutes of silent protest before she finally walked in and closed the door behind her. Sam smiled, crossing his fingers this wouldn't somehow backfire. He wouldn't hear the end of it if it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! The more you interact with this work the more eager I am to write! So please leave a comment or a kudos!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family is weird, therapy is weird, gender is weird, and Coran was a lion tamer?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a brief description of a panic attack and a mention of a suicide attempt.

"But it's Coran Pidge."

"He's a licensed therapist, he used to practice more frequently than he does now..."

"He also used to tame lions."

Pidge hit her brother upside the head and rolled her eyes. Sure, Coran wasn't your normal licensed therapist, but he managed to make her smile and feel less... Broken. She wasn't really all that okay, but at least he didn't make her feel worse for the way she processed the trauma she had been through. 

"But, hey, if it works it works," Matt pat her on the back and stood up. "I'm gonna make some grilled cheese. Want some?"

"No thanks," she shook her head and pulled her laptop onto her lap. 

"Woah, no grilled cheese? What happened to my little sister?" Matt chuckled. 

"She became lactose intolerant and doesn't want to deal with that right now."

"Alright, fair," he laughed. "You want something else? We got... Lose deli meat packages and a bag of Cheetos in the fridge? What... The hell, mom."

Pidge laughed and looked back at her brother who pulled the bag of Cheetos out and threw it at his sister. 

"These might have been me. Lance gave me a bag last night when I was getting home and I thought I was putting it somewhere safe... Guess the fridge made sense?" the pair laughed. 

Pidge shifted the bag to the side and opened her laptop. Only recently had she gotten over the habitual panic of seeing the program looking for Matt and Sam not running. She had begun working to program a game instead of tinkering with the old algorithm. It had become a sort of coping mechanism, she wouldn't have to concentrate on anything but the codes on her screen. In a way it still was, but life was better now. She wasn't sure why she still focused on her programing so intently. Matt and Sam were safe. Life was good. She should want to relish in it. 

And yet she disappeared into her coding once again. Hours passed and she stayed typing away. She didn't notice how much time had actually gone by until her mother asked her to set the table for dinner. 

"Can't Matt do it? I'm in the middle of something..." she grumbled. 

"You've been programming all day, Pidge. Get up and set the table," she ordered. 

Pidge groaned and closed her computer. Colleen held out a stack of plates as Pidge entered the kitchen which she begrudgingly took. She hated stepping away from coding and Colleen knew that. However, that never stopped her from asking for the table to be set or the bathroom to be cleaned. Once or twice she swears Pidge's eyes completely rolled back into her head.

"Got all your homework finished?" Sam asked, scooping mashed potatoes onto his plate. 

"Yeah, I finished it Friday night so I could go out with Lance and Hunk," Pidge responded. 

"And what about you Matt?" 

"Dad I'm not starting college until next semester," he reminded him.

The family chuckled. Colleen gave him small pat on the shoulder. He just smiled, happy to see a smile on everyone's faces again. Pidge rarely smiled anymore, and when she did it didn't feel real. He remembered how bright it used to be, how contagious it was. He missed it more than the restful nights their disappearance had taken from the family. Happiness seemed distant in this house, but in moments like these it grew closer to being real. 

~~~~~

Therapy helped bring that smile back. Over the next couple of years Pidge, and the rest of the family went through many changes. There were times Pidge needed more therapy, such as when he began struggling with his gender identity, when Lance attempted suicide, and when Keith went missing. However, there were also times he only went once every few weeks, like when Lance and Keith finally made up from yet another stupid fight. Recently it had gotten to the point he didn't think he needed it in the next stage of his life. In fact, had gone an entire month and a half without therapy with Coran. 

Life was almost normal for the Holt family. Matt had just been accepted to a graduate engineering program at a college a couple states away, Pidge had been accepted to Altea University about seven hours away. Both Lance and Hunk attended and had managed to score each other as roommates. He requested a room with them but had been placed right across the hall with Lotor, one of the few people from high school he actually despised. This would make for a very long semester... But luckily his placement kept him close enough to his friends to escape if need be. 

It wouldn't be too bad... Or so he thought...

The problems started two weeks before he had to move out. He had gone three months with minimal panic attacks, then one hit him. He was drifting off to sleep, warm and cozy in his bed when the dread made his chest start caving in. 

He was moving away from his family. 

Almost three years had gone by since Sam and Matt came back, but that didn't mean this fear was at all easy to deal with or had ever gone away. In fact, it was sometimes just as hard as the first day they came back.  
He felt pressure on his chest, an inability to breathe, and all the same feelings of finding our his brother and father were missing came flooding back. Yet again he was suffocating under his bedsheets and felt like a child again. 

His mother's arms untangled him like they had time and time before. This sort of thing had stopped a long time ago, nightmares and panic weren't supposed to a part of his life anymore. He wasn't even aware he was making enough sound to wake his family until she was there. 

"What's going on kiddo?" Colleen asked a cup of silent coffee later. 

"I'm... Matt... And..." Pidge stammered. He took a breath and collected his thoughts, "We're going to be so far away and that just... Really freaks me out..."

"Pidge... Honey, you know that's nothing to worry about. Matt is going to be fine and so are you," she reassured him. 

"That's what we thought last time..." he almost whispered. 

Colleen nodded and looked down at her hands. She knew why he was hurting, and admittedly had lost sleep with the very same fear, but she also knew this wasn't something he needed to worry him at the moment. They all had the same thought when Sam went back to work and Matt went back to college, but over time she saw their life was stable again. A larger part of her knew this would be okay than anything that told her something horrible would happen again. 

"I think it would do you good to see Coran again," she gently brushed his hair back. 

"I was doing so good..." 

"I know you were, but life isn't always uphill. Sometimes you struggle a little and that's okay. Just talk to him before you go, he's always been a help."

Pidge sighed but nodded. He knew how much Coran could help and even though it seemed absurd that anything could fix this feeling in two weeks, he trusted Coran. If anyone could do this, it was him. 

~~~~~

"What seems to be the problem my dear boy?" Coran asked. 

Pidge burried his head in his hands and groaned. Being back felt like he had somehow failed on his recovery. He knew the rest of his family didn't think so, but none the less that feeling still itched in the back of his head. 

"I umm... Look this college thing is freaking me out," he explained. 

"How so?" Coran asked. 

"I..." Pidge gulped, "I'm afraid that if I go something bad's going to happen... Again... I don't want to be away from my family and I only just got used to Hunk and Lance and Keith being away. I'm not ready..." 

"You'll be with Hunk and Lance at college won't you?" 

"Yeah..."

"Which means you'll have someone at college, you won't be alone," he assured, "and you can come back during school break. You'll have a support system there, it's nothing to worry about."

"It's just so far, you know? Matt is starting his engineering graduate program and he's going away and I'm going away too and I'm just so worried. The last time we were so far..." he trailed off. 

Coran nodded and thought for a moment. He understood why Pidge was so worried about moving away. After all, trauma wasn't something that dissapeared like that. In the past, distance always meant the worst and he still had that association with it. He needed something to change the way he thought about being away from family. 

"Tell you what, I have a friend out there, Ryner Olkarion, and I think she can help. Any time you're getting too worked up about being away from your family you give her a call. She knows how to deal with trauma in a way that might help you. Just tell her I sent you." Coran reached over to his desk, grabbed a small card, and scribbled a phone number on the back. 

Pidge reached out and took it. He guessed this was the key to surviving at college. If Coran believed in Ryner, so did he. 

"Can we talk about how stupid Matt is now?"

"You paid for the full hour my boy, what did he do this time?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siblings bond and college rolls around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of panic attack.

Packing the car was the hardest process for Pidge. It was the night before he moved into the dorms and every cell in his body was rooting itself to the front steps. After everything had been put into the car he sat on the steps himself and took the moment in. Anxiety had been making him nauseousnes over the past couple of weeks as this date loomed closer. Matt had his car packed as well, they were really leaving. 

"Hey, dude," Matt spoke from the doorway.

"Ready for tomorrow?" Pidge asked.

"Not really," Matt shook his head and took a seat on the steps. "It's a little nerve wracking to be moving so far away."

"Yeah... I don't know... I don't know if I can do this..."

"Me neither..."

The pair sat in silence, staring out at the warm lamplight that flooded the streets. A cool breeze tussled the leaves in the trees. The night would have been a perfect moment to reminisce about their childhoods and the memories made on that street. However, both of their minds ran back to the years Sam and Matt had been missing. They both knew anxiety wanted to tie them to this house and never leave, but life continued. They needed to take this next step to move on. 

"Coran told me he thought you were stupid last week," Pidge said. 

"You told me."

"He also said we could come back during breaks and see each other..."

"He's right," Matt nodded. "You leave at 7am tomorrow right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Go grab a couple blankets."

Matt ran inside without any other explanation. Pidge could tell he had a plan but had absolutely no idea what it could be. None the less he did as asked and grabbed some extra blankets from the linen closet's bottom shelf. Those blankets Colleen had okayed as ones to take on picnics, and since Matt hadn't told him what they were doing he figured that was his best bet. 

When he returned Matt stood at the door with a star chart and his car keys. Pidge knew exactly what he was doing. 

On the outskirts of town Coran owned a small plot of land. Those that knew him well enough had been there a couple times, but nobody used that field as much as Pidge and Matt had. There were only a handful of people who knew about it anyway, and it only had a real usage when Shiro and Adam got married. It was just something Coran owned to add to the odd facts that made Coran... Well... Coran. 

Years ago, Pidge and Matt were being endlessly restless and refused to go to bed. Being they were two of the most stubborn children Colleen knew, she was ready to give up and succumb to the screams of a her children keeping her up. Sam came downstairs, promptly picked up his children and plopped them in his car. Pidge held blankets and Matt held a star chart. In the field he taught them everything he knew about the universe and brought home two children dreaming happily about traveling to the furthest corners of the universe. 

After that it became a tradition of sorts. Pidge and Matt would drive out to the field together and bond over testing each other on the patterns in the sky. They even made up constellations of their own. "Smelly feet", "Voltron", and "Pidge on coffee" being among the ones that stuck. It was fitting this be something they do before leaving. 

Staring at the sky again Pidge felt at peace. There was a small part in the back of his mind that stuck on leaving, but it was able to float away more and more the longer they laid watching the twinkling lights. Eventually his eyes closed and he listened to the sounds of crickets and frogs, pretending it was a lullaby. Moments like these were the ones he held onto the most when Sam and Matt were missing. 

He woke up back in his bed, alarm blaring the loudest version of We Will Rock You he could find. Matt must have taken him home after he fell asleep. Now, here he was, taking a blind step toward one of the most anxiety riding moments of his life. 

Matt stood against his car, fiddling with his keys when Pidge walked out. He could tell that Matt didn't want to go any more than Pidge himself, but they had come this far and had to continue. Matt smiled at Pidge and shoved his keys in his pocket. 

"You ready, squirt?" he asked. 

"I'm more ready than you... Mathematics..." Pidge smirked. 

"Dude, really? That was ONE TIME." 

"YOU MISSPELLED YOUR OWN NAME!"

"I WAS TIRED!"

Pidge cackled at his brothers face and in doing so was unable to escape the hug Matt pulled him into. 

"Ewwww, nooooo," Pidge giggled. 

"We're leaving, you can give me physical affection once. Then you never have to do it again," Matt responded. 

"That's a lie. Mom's gonna make me hug you at Christmas."

"I want a hug. Deal with it you HEATHEN."

Pidge almost growled and tried to squirm away before eventually giving in and giving Matt a hug. He wasn't much on physical affection and Matt knew that, but if he was to be honest... hugging Matt was pretty nice. That didn't stop him from squirming away as soon as possible. 

Pidge was forced a hug from Colleen before climbing into his car with Sam. Matt rolled down his window for one last goodbye. 

"Call me when you can, okay?" he asked Pidge. 

"You're stupid."

"I'm taking that as a yes."

"Be nice to your brother, Pidge." Colleen warned. 

"Whatever," he smiled and stuck his tongue out at Matt who smiled as well. 

Over the course of the drive Pidge had three panic attacks over leaving home. He did everything in his power to keep the feelings at bay but the further and further they got from home the more his anxiety worsened. Life like this would be impossible to live at college. He wasn't sure he would be able to make it, especially without therapy with Coran, but then he remembered the card he was given. If Coran trusted this Ryner person, he ought to as well. As soon as things got a bit more settled he knew he was going to call that number. Something had to distract him from the stabbing and persisting weight on his chest. Even if just for a moment. 

His roommate didn't make it any easier. Lotor had gone to highschool with him but took a gap year to work for his father. He was now following his own path, but that didn't make him any less manipulative and what Pidge chooses to describe as "mega evil".

He could tell this was going to be an awful year if he didn't find an escape, and soon. So he picked up the phone and called the number Coran had given him. 

It rang...

And rang...

And rang...

And went to voicemail. 

"Ryner here, if I didn't respond I'm either about to practice, am at practice, or just got off practice. Make sure to leave your name and number if this is derby related so I can get back to you ASAP, and if this is Megaladon I've told you the key code a hundred times, figure it out or call Crusher."

Pidge blinked, not entirely sure this was the right number. 

"Uhh... Yeah, I think I have the wrong number some how but if by chance I don't I'm Pidge Holt and Coran sent me your way... He said you could help? If this is the wrong number I'm sorry you can just disregard this. I'll figure it out..." He hung up the phone and shook his head. 

If this really was the person Coran meant, he had some explaining to do.


End file.
